Letter to my Son

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Dear Son,

It’s kind of strange for a father to write a letter to his son but at times there is too much a father intends to say and doesn’t, given his image . Sometimes he has this desire to tell all and this letter is nothing but the result of those desire only fathers can understand because they rarely get to say what they feel for their son. This is for all the sons all over the world from all the fathers all over. Though words are never enough to convey our deepest feelings, I just hope you get an inkling of the space you hold in my life as my son.

First of all, it’s quite difficult to explain what is it to be a father? There are so many ways of describing a mother but when it comes to father it’s not the same. After all, a father doesn’t take the pains a mother takes. Unlike mother who goes through so much to bring you to the world, father just waits with excitement. Even after the baby comes out, mother takes all the responsibilities during the time a kid is absolutely dependent for everything and she eases the way for the toddler. In the old days, father use to make money and provide security but now even that is shared by the mother. So, who is a father? An irrelevant man; an inevitable part of the natural process of being a parent or is there more to him?

The biggest fact about fathers is that they are never as excited as they show when the mothers says that she is expecting. Most of the fathers, in fact, take a lot of time to grasp the new development. Unlike mothers they can’t feel you inside their bodies. They have no clue to what this new development means to them and their lives. Till a day ago, they are boys and one announcement and they are put in the category of men. It’s nothing but confusing to fathers. The mothers become cranky, demanding, have mood-swings and fathers look up asking God what is happening. It’s not that they don’t take care of mothers but at times they sit with their friends and miss their young days. Of course, they say nothing about it to their mothers. But, deep inside, something has already begun changing in the boys preparing to be father.

The nine odd months pass by and one day the news comes and the man rushes to the hospital, unable to understand the excitement. On his way to the hospital, he looks at his whole life that has gone by and knows a new life has begun. He is no more the boy he was but a father. He, too, sheds tears but ensures that the eyes are dry by the time he reaches the hospital room where a very tiny baby waits, whom he would call his son.

He is afraid of holding the baby because the baby is so small that he is not sure he is capable of taking care of something so delicate. The mother looks composed and content but the father utterly confused and scared. How could an irresponsible man be given something so delicate and something involving so much responsibility? So, he enjoys the sight from a distance, letting the mother and others get most of the moment but nevertheless he has surely started feeling that now a part of him exists outside him.

Soon, the father sees something and it makes him smile. He realizes he doesn’t really have to grow up to become a father: the baby loves playing and he loves playing and the two starts playing. The father doesn’t grow up but instead starts becoming a kid, again. They make games; they play games and become friends and the man has never enjoyed games as much as he does then. Life has never looked so beautiful for him. The father thinks he has found a friend for life and needs nothing else. Now, he is content and satisfied and finally reaches a point in life where he doesn’t mind losing his shape and hair neither he cares if other girls are looking at him: he has found eternal and unconditional love and a boy to live for, for rest of his life.

And, then the boy starts growing and so does the bond between him and the father. While he loves teaching the boy, the boy loves learning from the man. Both hope this beautiful friendship goes on forever. The father becomes a child again; once again visiting the time he had lost. The man is no more thinking about winning the world or proving something, as he had done during his youth. Now, all it matters is the smile on the face of his son. He enjoys the little successes of the child and worries at the failure. Everything he had wanted to do to feel good about life he wants his boy to do.  He wants his boy to have everything he never had. Now, the life is about the boy and not about him. Of course, he never tells this to his son; he also has to prepare him for the world and the ways of the world so he lets the mother talk about emotions while he enjoys the sight from a distance.

All seems perfect till one day the father looks at his son and knows the son needs new friends. Though the father feels the pain but knows it’s important for the son. Painfully, he accepts the rule of life. In spite of the freedom he wants his son to enjoy he doesn’t want the son to make the mistakes he had made while he was in his youth so cannot stop himself from giving few advises; the mistakes that gave him guilt and hurt him. But, the son cannot see it and father knows it isn’t his fault; even he had not seen it in his youth. He stills makes the effort: how can a father let his son in trouble? The son starts distancing himself from his father. The father starts becoming an intrusion to his life and the father loosens the caring grasp, with a sigh.

This is when the father starts becoming old and finally has a time to look back and see what has happened so far. And, he sees nothing, except for his son. He looks at the memories with his son, again and again, reliving those beautiful moments of his life. He no more looks his life in terms of success and failure but only hoping, against all hopes, to have those moments back. Every time the son is around the father imagines the past while the son is looking into the distant future, towards his own life. He is where his father had been once. The father knows it will never be the same, again for him and wishes his son to have a great life ahead while he sits back looking at pictures and memories; his companion for rest of his life. He knows he will be gone by the time the son realizes this story.

The colours begin fading. It starts growing black and white like the old movies. The wrinkles appear and the body loses its vigour. The silence envelopes the whole house and in that silence the father thinks if he was a good one, blaming himself for every little problem the son faces, praying for his son to have everything that he didn’t. He wishes to go back and change few things that could make his son’s life better. The light starts leaving the life and the father looks back and thinks, one last time, with a faint, sad smile.

‘I wish I had the words to tell him all I felt.’

Your father
 

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